To my jumping wooohooo elation, the panel of experts in the genre of intestinal blockage literature selected my entry “Constipated With Love,” as the winner.
Vote for your favorite Ray Conway Meme! Men, do we grow beards to travel or do we travel to grow beards? Women, is a man without a beard truly a man? They say a man with a beard never sleeps alone. If this is true, then photographer Ray Conway never wakes up alone. Due to…
First, what aren’t they? They aren’t something that is very nice for pigs, who forfeit their lives so that you can chow down of their succulent fried deliciousness (vegans, just stop reading right now, it gets worse) that becomes their skin when cut into little bits and thrown into hot oil, and is fried and…
Like plenty people who hold state speech championships, love the smell of old books, have read the works of Hemingway, and find reading and writing poetry by candle light with Iron and Wine blazing in the background a fabulous way to spend a Friday night; I have never been gung-ho about the NFL. Actually, I…
There’s a promised land we are all searching for. All of our inclinations and addiction, remoteness, disagreement and whatnot have been put aside as we align every impulse, action and affection towards it. We picture the land flowing with remorseless hills fluent in all dialects of pasture and privy to the whispers of late summer…
At a BBQ early today somebody brought Nickel Nips. Do you know what Nickel Nips are? Even if you think you don’t, yes, you do. Remember these little guys from your sweet tooth teething childhoods? Anyways, I twisted two together and put them in a tree, because… that’s just the sort of stuff you do…
Fifth graders, I have decided, from a marginal sample size in an unscientific setting, have trouble with understanding cause and effect. Take this conversation: “Did you hit him?” “No.” “I saw you hit him.” “Because he hit me first.” “Why did you hit him first?” “Because it was a redo and he said it wasn’t.” No,…
If this weekend were an animal, it would be an eight legged dragon bear wearing a sombrero, gyrating to the rhythm of a rain dance, imploring the gods to shower the earth with the laughing tears of El Señor Cuervo. If this weekend were a school bus, it would be the Magic School bus and…
If she was trying to get me to go away, she failed. If her intent was to entice, if she wanted my money, if this was a big elaborate scheme to draw me in with the need to know what secrets awaited the backroom, then she had me right where she wanted me. I was…
Lettuce, Go To War Stop wilting beneath the unjust rage of the tomatoes. Don’t act like you can’t hear the murmuring of the tubers Or feel the gawking of the squash. It’s not the Onions who are crying, Lettuce. And the Carrots are laughing at you. How much longer will you let the Peppers…
