I believe that every guy needs a female friend in his life who says yes to statements like, "Do you want to go out on the town tonight wearing Gorilla masks?"

Conventional wisdom said it was impossible. I simply wasn’t attractive enough. Common sense said it would never be. These types of things simply didn’t occur in the real world. Yet once upon a time in Antigua, Guatemala, at a now closed Irish pub under the arch, the kingdom of womenkind looked upon me with pity, thought, “that poor man,” and were unable to resist the urge to buy me drinks.

Andrea was a friend from college who graduation decided instead of designing buildings with her masters degree in architecture that she would come to Guatemala and join a rabble-rousing band of volunteers who worked in humanitarian development by day and worked on another round by night.

I believe that every guy needs a female friend in his life who says yes to statements like, “Do you want to go out on the town tonight wearing Gorilla masks?”

For me, Andrea has always been such a person. So when I asked her not to marry me, she said “Yes!”

This was our plan, at the pub where one of our friends worked, I would be given a microphone, we would stand up on the bar, I would deliver a speech ridiculous and heartfelt, then I would ask Andrea to marry me. Then she would say no.

So on a Friday night, when the bar was swelling with people, we climbed up on the bar. I grasped the microphone and told everyone how I knew from the moment I met Andrea at “that Jonas Brothers concert” that we had something special. I got down on one knee. I placed a piece of costume jewelry on Andrea’s finger. “Will you marry me?” I asked.

The bar erupted in wild applause at the scene that was unfolding before everyone’s eyes. Andrea studied the ring on her finger with a contemplative gaze. She took the microphone and articulated a single syllable, “No.”

Every bargoer became one with the gasp that came next. It took a moment for people’s thoughts to realize that, SHE SAID NO?! The bar that moments before had been erupting in applause became silent. I climbed down off the bar. From then on my night was a blur of awesomeness–women fighting to find their way to me to buy me a drink, pat my back and pity me.

After the 5th girl had bought me a drink, I looked for Andrea, but she had left. More accurately, she had been run out of the bar by a mob of angry ladies. While women were gravitating towards me to buy me a drink, women were gravitating towards Andrea using an adjective noun descriptor that rhymes with clucking stitch.